Not so very long ago, I found myself calling a friend, another homeschooling mom, in the grips of indecisiveness. Several months in, I was second-guessing our decision to homeschool.
Am I giving her enough? I wondered. Should she really be at school? Do I just want to keep her little?
“Think back to your ‘why.’” She advised me. “Are those things still a part of your homeschooling experience?”
Perhaps all I needed was to voice my doubts to someone who had our best interests at heart, who knows our “why'' and firmly supports us. She reminded me of why we made this choice in the first place and gave me permission to make some vital changes to make homeschooling work better for our whole family.
And this is what works best for our family. Homeschooling makes me a better mom. It brings us joy and makes us closer. Sure, if she was at school, our spirited daughter would have more play time at recess and enjoy being the smarty pants of the class. Our parish school is great. She would be totally happy there and get a solid thoroughly faith-filled Catholic education. But throughout this year and despite fleeting crisis-of-faith moments, we have seen so much fruit.
Our kids play together more and she is closer to her youngest brother than she’d ever otherwise have time to be. We’ve explored Egypt and Marian apparitions. We’ve formed a family community that is more connected and tied by these common experiences we’re creating each day.
St Ignatius advises us that in times of desolation, we should never go back on a decision made in consolation. Spiritual director Wilkie Au advises that one fully envision the alternative state of life that seems so tempting. For example, if you’re thinking of leaving your wife, first of all – don’t. But secondly, be sure to imagine the life you’d be chasing in its fullest. Not just the fantasy, but waking up next to your new lover’s morning breath and her refusal to pick her towel up off the bathroom floor. Still want her? No? Then the temptation to leave was likely more about the fantasy of escape than anything concrete you might have attained chasing your mistress.
This imaginative type of discernment can apply to homeschooling as well. On the more stressful and discouraging days, I’d jokingly tell my husband I’d be sending them all to school the next day. I’d Google Catholic school tuition. I’d read posts about expelling your kid from homeschool.
It wouldn’t be too long before I’d follow the natural results of switching to school in my imagination, gauging my own reaction. I didn’t particularly warm to the earlier, more hectic mornings, the pick-up, get-home, make-dinner rush, or the sheer amount of time our daughter would be away from our family each week. I noticed I wasn’t enthusiastic about the sacrifices required to make school work. I didn’t really want school as much as I needed to assess/shift what we were doing to make homeschooling work better for us.
And I knew I was certainly feeling desolate and desperate. But when I asked myself what was deeper, what was the current running beneath my emotional wave, I began to recognize that all the fruits, all of the goals, our family’s “why” was still being accomplished – even on the days when my loaves and fishes felt more like two tiny coins and my utter insufficiency was all I wanted to wallow in.
I can’t tell you what to do. (Ignatius wouldn’t either. He’d want you to deal directly with God.) But I do think there’s value in sharing our stories. Maybe you’ve had some crisis-of-faith moments too, and reading this will give you a sense of solidarity and the fortitude to carry on, to remember your own “why.” Or maybe these reflections will feel very far from your own experience and help to realize that it’s okay to admit that homeschooling is not joyful, does not serve your family, and your family’s “why” would actually be better served by a more traditional schooling arrangement (or some combination of both, as families with multiple children sometimes discern).
I’d love to hear from you. Have you had similar moments? Did you learn anything? What did your family end up doing? Leave and comment and let us all know!